


Every part of me that I ever gave you is gone now

by thunder_fox_7



Series: Tubbo-centric One Shots :) [4]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Toby Smith | Tubbo, Angst, Description of Injuries, Fictional Religion & Theology, Funerals, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Not Beta Read, Sad Cara | CaptainPuffy, Sad Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Sam | Awesamdude, Sad Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Toby Smith | Tubbo, Technoblade Hears Voices (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo Has PTSD, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, for just a moment tho it doesn't last long, it just focuses on tubbo but know everyone else is sad too, it references tommy's death so be warned, it's not explored but it's there, or more like numb tubbo, the religion is based on the prime path
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunder_fox_7/pseuds/thunder_fox_7
Summary: Sometime during the next fifteen minutes, Techno leaves again. He's quieter this time, slipping out the door in such a fashion that Tubbo only notices because he is so far in the back.Sometime in the five minutes after that, Tubbo follows suit.ORTechno and Tubbo have what could almost be considered a bonding moment at Tommy's funeral.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sam | Awesamdude & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Technoblade, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, that last one is implied and can be read as platonic
Series: Tubbo-centric One Shots :) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128623
Comments: 12
Kudos: 131





	Every part of me that I ever gave you is gone now

Tubbo is the first to arrive to Tommy's funeral. He’s wearing a black suit, neither the one from his presidency nor the one from his days as a spy, both having been torn to shreds with explosions and misery. He’s quiet, letting the heavy church doors fall shut behind him with an uncontrolled thud. He looks around, taking in the old, stone building.

The stained glass windows allow for a colorful myriad of light to filter into the church, casting the wooden pews and what seems like millions of white flowers in an almost surreal light. He feels small here, standing under the high ceilings, surrounded by rows and rows of empty seats. Unimportant in a comforting way. His footsteps echo through the building, bouncing back at him from the stone walls and wood floors, as he makes his way to the front of the church.

_Sam did a good job setting this up_ , he thinks, absently admiring the flower arrangements. They come in all shapes and sizes, mostly stark white with the occasional blood red thrown in. It reminds him of Tommy’s favorite shirt. The flowers are scattered around the entire church, beautiful and lonely, coming closer together around a great black box. One that Tubbo has been trying to avoid paying attention to. In it, he knows, is Tommy's body.

_Or is it?_

Last time they'd done this, gathered to mourn the death of their youngest friend, the casket had been empty. Last time they'd done this, they'd had nothing to go off of other than one tower and Tubbo’s gut feelings. There'd been no body, just an empty box reflecting the new hole in their lives (one that was later filled, but one that never went away. Not really.)

He reaches forward, gripping the edge of the box tightly, and lifts it. There’s no creak, no squeak or groan. Just a silent shift in the air.

Maybe a small part of Tubbo was hoping there was no body. That he'd simply disappeared, like every other inconsequential death (Tubbo knows this is a lie, he was _there_ for the first two, there was no way Tommy had come back from this one. He still hopes). Maybe Tubbo simply wants to see for himself, to just see his best friends face one last time. Either way, he's not sure what he feels when the lid lifts enough to reveal the pale, broken face of his best friend. When Sam said he'd been beaten to death, Tubbo didn't know what to make of it.

He does now.

It's gruesome, blood wiped away to reveal a nose bent nearly sideways, a skill bashed in, and more bruises and cuts and scrapes than Tubbo can count. The sight nearly makes Tubbo gag, the first real reaction he's had to anything since being told Tommy was dead.

_Prime. Dream is a real bastard, isn't he?_ The thought doesn’t really spark any anger in Tubbo. No righteous fury, no thirst for revenge. It’s just a fact, really. Just another harsh truth the world has to offer. He let's the lid fall back into place, beaten face of his best friend seared into his memory.

"There's a reason it's closed casket, you know." The voice is familiar, filled with an intangible and deep despair where there was once a warm smile. Tubbo turns to meet Sam's eyes, and there's a minute of silence. The man, who had practically snuck up on him, is standing a few meters away in the middle of the sea of pews. He's awkward, like he doesn't want to be there. Doesn't deserve to be.

Tubbo makes no move to comfort him. Sam was meant to protect anyone who went into the prison, including and especially Tommy. He failed. That's a fact that everyone, except Tommy, has to live with.

"Yeah," Tubbo says, and the silence returns.

It's not long after that more people begin filing in. Puffy is first, face stony like if she shows a single emotion, she'll burst into tears. Tubbo remembers being like that the first time around, careful to keep the facade of president up so as not to break. Then comes Eret, dressed in royal garb and standing straight, followed by Quackity, who has a dark look Tubbo hasn't seen since the worst days of the butcher’s army. Karl and Sapnap are right next to him, one on either side and holding his hands. Sapnap has tear stains on his face. Surprisingly, George is next, uncharacteristically dressed in a dark suit (he hadn't even worn a different outfit from usual when he was king). Jack and Niki follow behind, odd, conflicted and sorrowful looks on their faces as they walk side by side, and Fundy is behind them, face unreadable. Soon almost everyone is there (those infected haven’t shown up. Tubbo suspects they’re celebrating elsewhere). Most of them catch his eye when they enter, looks of sympathy meeting his expressionless face. He looks down and finds a seat toward the back.

Last time, Tubbo had stood in front of the crowd and gave a speech. This time, he doesn't pay attention as Puffy starts. He won't go up there, not this time. He can't do it again. Can't do it standing so close to Tommy's body, the body of a boy who was so _fucking_ close to healing. He gave a speech last time, poured his heart out. He doesn't know if he has enough heart to pour out, this time.

Somewhere in the first five minutes, Ranboo sneaks in, and out of the corner of his eye Tubbo sees two other figures enter with him. Puffy stops in her tracks. They all do, many of them stand. Quackity brings his hand up to grab his sword, which he didn't have on him. Tubbo feels himself almost do the same when he registers Technoblade's scarlet cloak and Phil's black coat. They freeze, as well, and the air grows from tense with grief to just plain tense in a second flat. Tubbo almost appreciates the change. Almost. Phil raises his hands in a surrender gesture, and Tubbo rises to his feet.

Everyone looks at him, even Technoblade and Phil, and for a moment he's president again, bearing the responsibility of decision for the entire country. For a horrible, horrible moment, Tommy has just died for the first time by flinging himself off the top of a tower, and for a moment he feels the grief and responsibility that he had felt at that first funeral. The suit he's wearing begins to feel stiff and too tight and like the weight of the world, and then he makes eye contact with the blood god.

Techno's eyes are deep brown, warm to the point of almost being red, and they're so conflicted that Tubbo is almost flung farther back to a yellow box and a fiery death. But there's a sort of pain there that Tubbo feels on a completely different level, one he relates to. And so he clears his throat, and for the first time since before this began, Tubbo speaks.

"Tommy was their friend, too," he says, despite the lingering screams he still hears in his ears. It's not that anyone relaxes, per se, but most do look away, sit back down. Phil nods at him, a silent thank you, and Techno merely makes eye contact with him again. When he sits back down, Ranboo grabs his hand and squeezes. Tubbo squeezes it back. Puffy begins talking again, and Tubbo tunes her out.

Sometime during the next fifteen minutes, Techno leaves again. He's quieter this time, slipping out the door in such a fashion that Tubbo only notices because he's so far in the back.

Sometime in the five minutes after that, Tubbo follows suit.

The air outside is warm, a slight breeze nudging the grass along in gentle waves. Techno is sitting on a bench along the outside wall of the church, head in hands, elbows on knees. Tubbo walks over to him, stands in front of him, quietly watches as the piglin mutters to himself.

"Are you alright?" Tubbo asks, and _oh._ Maybe he should have announced his presence better before sneaking up on the blood god. _Oh well, live and learn._ Techno jumps at the sound of his voice, on his feet in seconds and reaching for Tubbo. It's just as he's about to do _something,_ hands far too close to the teen’s neck for either of their comfort _,_ that his mind seems to catch up with his instincts and Techno stops. He sits back down on the bench, neither breaking eye contact.

"Fine."

"Are you sure? It's okay not to be." Tubbo's not sure how much he really believes himself, but he’s heard it enough lately the words leave him before he can stop them. Even if he does believe it, that makes him a hypocrite ( _just another name to add to a list_ , he supposes).

Techno gives him an odd, calculating look. Then his shoulders sag. "I’m fine. the voices are just louder than usual, is all. Nothing I can't handle."

Tubbo's eyebrow raises at that, but he doesn't question it. He just shrugs. "Okay," he says, and he moves back to lean on a tree about a meter away.

He takes a deep breath, letting the beautiful day fill his lungs. This is the kind of day Tommy would have grabbed him by the hand and dragged him on an adventure for. The kind of day they would have played pranks, or built awful structures, or just played whatever stupid game they could have come up with.

Technoblade is still watching him.

"He wasn't supposed to die, you know." Tubbo’s voice is monotone, an empty void that speaks the truth with no passion.

"I know," Technoblade says, and Tubbo believes him.

Tommy wasn’t supposed to die. He was supposed to have a happy ending, and Tubbo knows that despite the outward appearance, the speeches that hit as hard as the wrong end of a rocket, Technoblade never wanted Tommy to die, either.

The church stands before Tubbo, behind Techno, tall and imposing and stone and glass. Tubbo has never been particularly religious. Tommy, on the other hand, was. The other boy spent what felt like half his time praying, running along the sacred paths and chanting to Prime. He'd dragged Tubbo along to church, once or twice, and Tubbo had joined in the hymns and prayers. It wasn't that he didn't believe, necessarily, just that he often got busy doing other things (Maybe Tubbo should have come along more often. Maybe then none of this would have happened. It’s a baseless wish, but he wishes nonetheless because he can do nothing else. Not anymore).

Church with Tommy was always a fun experience, the tall boy knew how to make prayers fun and exciting, turning the walks down the Path into a race and the keeping in time with the songs using his own heartbeat, which had always been so constant. Had been.

Tubbo almost laughs at that, and then he does, and then a single sob escapes him. He still doesn't feel anything. Techno looks up again, alarmed.

Tubbo looks at him in return, eyes blurry with a few tears that go away quickly. He wishes he could keep sobbing, that he could just break down right there and then. But he can't, and so he doesn't.

"He loved this church, you know," he says, and Techno nods. Techno is fairly religious, too, like Tommy but with different gods and worship. Tubbo has faint memories of a different time, a heavy bell and loud laughter. A better time, he thinks.

He leans his head on the tree. "I don't know if I can go back in there," he says, and his voice is soft. He doesn't know why he's telling this to Technoblade, of all people, but he is and that's that.

Techno, to his credit, simply nods. "Me neither," he responds. The admission is a rare moment of camaraderie, born of mutual loss, and neither of them are even looking at each other but it's the closest Tubbo suspects they'll ever get to one another. Tubbo just nods again and listens to the birds.

Somewhere along the line, the sun begins to set, casting them and the church in a stunning gold glow. Tubbo has sat at the base of the tree, head leaned back, listening. He thinks about nothing and everything (that is to say, nothing and _Tommy_ ), and Technoblade merely sits on the bench, fighting his own mind.

Eventually, people come back out of the church. He knows Tommy's body is buried, then, because the graveyard is on the other side of the church and most of them have tear stains on their face. Tubbo almost feels bad for leaving, but he's done this before and he can't do it again.

Technoblade stands up then, joints cracking from the lack of movement. He walks over to where Tubbo is seated, and offers a hand. Tubbo stares at it.

"Come on," he says, and Tubbo slips his hand into the piglin's, allowing himself to be lifted off the ground into a standing position.

Technoblade begins walking, then, in the opposite direction that the attendees are. Toward the other side of the church. Tubbo debates whether he should follow, whether he wants to see Tommy's final resting place, and the answer is no, he doesn't want to see it. He sets off after Technoblade anyway.

Puffy and Sam are murmuring quietly in the doorway, her hand on his shoulder and his head hung. There are tears on his face, and for a brief second Tubbo feels angry. How dare Sam mourn, when Tommy's death could have so easily been avoided if he'd just _done_ something. Then it's gone again, and the sight of Sam just brings a sense of broken nothingness. Tubbo continues on after Technoblade.

They round the corner, and have no trouble spotting the grave because Phil is still there, standing over it like the broken image of a guardian angel. The light even hits his hair right for it, golden and shining. His head is bowed, and the two of them walk quietly through the grass.

Technoblade walks up next to Phil, a comfortable position they've clearly fallen into many times before. Tubbo stands off to the side, staring at the gravestone. He can feel Phil's eyes on him, and Techno's as well after a second more, but he ignores them in favor of staring at the headstone.

TommyInnit

Beloved by all

20XX - 20XX

It's so simple that Tubbo scoffs out loud. Tommy was so much more than that, loud and strong and amazing. Besides, Tubbo can count at least five people off the top of his memory that would prove the inscription wrong.

Phil and Technoblade really are looking at him, now.

He turns to them, meets Phil's cold blue eyes and Techno's bloody brown ones. They both look... concerned? empathetic? Tubbo doesn't know. He doesn't care.

He just turns again and shoves his hands in his pockets. One step in front of the other, Tubbo begins his trek back home in a lonely silence he doubts he’ll ever break again.

**Author's Note:**

> the religion aspect was inspired by a tumblr post i can't seem to find (if you know where it is please send it my way)
> 
> and the title comes from one of my discord friends trying to make a matter baby joke lol


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